2023-08-07-0825

 

8-7-2023 8am

It is a useful reframe to think of these issues of estrangement and alienation, which arise mostly in (but not only in) divorce dynamics, as a feature, rather than a problem. This reframe helps us shift away from blame and negative thinking, to a feature to contend with and work through. Then one can go back and, again rather than blaming or making it personal, to realize that evil takes a hold of everyone and a hold of situations. It just is. Like weeds sprouting in a garden. One must contend with, and often give the devil his due.

Going back, then, one would think it is best to slow down and really work through interpersonal issues, to identify issues and features. Best not to divorce. One feature of modern thinking is that divorce solves many issues, so divorce is sold as a lesser of several evils. It is not often understood that when issues are not properly dealt with, then can grow and spread in unimaginable destructive ways. Scapegoating, witch hunts, and straw manning are personal attacks where evil is unjustly dumped on one person or a group of people, persecuted for a variety of reasons. Perhaps they think and act differently, or stand up to the mob. There is a danger to group think and mob mentality, where people take the path of least resistance for a false sense of belonging, peer pressure, and security. Examples of the destructive quality arise in a group of teens bullying one or more kids, when some or all of the bully group individuals may internally have mixed feelings about the bullying, and rightly so.

The line between good and evil crosses the heart of every person. (Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn)

These issues are all intertwined. The gardening analogy is merely that, an analogy that is useful to think of an unfamiliar concept in a more familiar way. An analogy is a starting point, a jumping board into a pool of the unknown. We must not fear the unknown, but to tread into it with a proper balance of courage and caution. The help of family and friends can be useful, more so than paid professionals whose income often hinges on keeping the clients dependent. Care must be taken because in such a reciprocal relationship, goods must be exchanged. Give to receive. A therapist gives analysis and guidance and receives money. Similarly a family member can give advice and cushion, and must receive something in return. When an advisor turns wicked, whether a therapist or a family member, they can resort to making the protégé dependent, so that the advisor becomes needed in a pathological way.

A healthier relationship is one where both parties negotiate their interests. Having a network of friends and family thus can be much more useful and instructive, provide experience in expected and unexpected ways, compared to modern constructs such as paid therapists. There are of course many instances when judicious therapy is best. Some mental health ailments gone unattended require more comprehensive psychological or psychiatric guidance.

One aspect that is crucial in the maintenance of a conjugal relationship is both parties to submit to a higher authority. An entity or a belief in something larger than each of the members of the relationship. This is an essential feature in the stability of any relationship. This is where religion plays an important role. Serving others, without being taken advantage of, becomes an integral component of a balanced healthy lifestyle. Gratitude and appreciation flow from that state of mind, as an antidote to overindulgence and victim mentality.

Many things are simply out of one's control. Therefore, the few things one can control, which usually have to do with oneself, one should control the hell out of. For instance, diet and exercise are completely within a person's control. Control the hell out of them. Find steps and systems, habits of behavior, conducive to reasonably optimizing what one can control. The aim is for such incremental mastery to overflow into areas of life where one can positively influence oneself and others, synergistically and often unexpectedly. That's when the return on investment really pays off. So, give good things to yourself and to others as best as you can, and it will return to you eventually.

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